I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
