i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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