the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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