oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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