Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
