You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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