Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
