remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
