Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
