maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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