Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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