i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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