My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Everything about him screamed your future.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Randomize
