if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
