it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
