i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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