He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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