maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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