HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
