The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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