We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
