I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
