I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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