she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
