my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
