It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
