When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
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