I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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