OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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