I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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