I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
