Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
