It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
