Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
