someone threw a dead crab at me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
