My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
