i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
