I feel like abortions should bother me more
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
