I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
