this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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