I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
jump out the window naked night went bad
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