this boner is exhausting
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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