i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
