Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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