sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
