Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
