Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
