allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
