We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
