he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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