i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
